Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
