AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
