At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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