Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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