i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
