Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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