Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
