Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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