those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
