Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
