Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
