If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
