So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
