i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
