I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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