You made me cry and you don't even care
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
