she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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