I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
