1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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