"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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