wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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