the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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