He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
