My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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