so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize