just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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