saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
