Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
