How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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