I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You ruined the universe
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
