Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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