Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
