I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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