Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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