FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
