Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize
