its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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