just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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