20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
