just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
