Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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