o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
