Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
