It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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