I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
