Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
