That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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