how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
