I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
