you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
