What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
