Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
