He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I feel like abortions should bother me more
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
