I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
