I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
