i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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