For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
