I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
