Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
